I feel really numb..
I realize that I exist,
yet I don't feel alive.
I feel so lost, lost inside my own thoughts.
I don't feel like crying,
I also don't feel like smiling.
Can I just fall asleep forever?
Forgotten girl.I was the forgotten girl.
I've been used and discarded, I've got nothing left.
I'm exhausted and emotional.
I'm numb from the pain, although it still stings a bit.
Then you came into my life..
You took away all the hurt
You made me happy again
Even made me feel better about my self
You protected me from what i've been hiding from my entire life.
Do i look like her now?She was rather short, a petite, plump little thing.
She loved to draw, paint, and sing.
No, she never cared much about her looks,
She was much more worried about reading books.
Until one day, she came across a magazine
On the cover there was a tan, tall girl, who was abnormally lean.
She went to the mirror and sighed one day,
She picked up the magazine and cried, "I wish I could look that way!"
Days after days, she had been starving herself,
All at the same time, she was not in good health.
One last time she looked in the mirror then collapsed to the ground.
She smiled then asked, "Do I look like her now?"
Every little thing you do.
First it begins with that smile of yours,
it leaves me crumbling down to the floor.
The way you laugh makes my knees go weak,
And I find myself barely able to speak.
When you stand tall, I will too.
There are so many reasons why I love you.
When you wait by my door, so you can hold my hand,
or when you listen to what I say, and truly understand.
These are words that I hope you will soon see,
That every little thing you do means the world to me.
A small case of social anxiety...I never wanted to feel this way.
I've never wanted to hold my breath every time someone touched me,
or nearly faint when I get called to the front of my classroom.
It haunts me, pressing a weight on my chest that is unbearable.
I walk by crowds of people hoping I don't catch their eye.
Maybe they won't notice, maybe they won't criticize me.
Oh god, did I trip?
Is there something on my face?
Why are they staring? I should stop worrying so much.
Just keep your head down, it will be alright..
Please.I just want to hold you close to me..
You're only three steps away, yet it feels like a mile.
Do you forgive me yet? For pushing you away.
It's supposed to be a happy ending, right? Or will I die in agony?
I'm sorry for what I did, don't act so cold.
Can you hear me?I'm crying, thrashing
trying to break loose from all of these people
Can you hear me? I need you
Please come back, I'm so lost
Don't leave me
Recovery.I may not know my purpose yet but i'm starting to see a light.
Things have been tough,
and there will be more hills to climb in my future
but i'm starting to recover and realize i'm here for a reason.
I'm here to change and impact peoples lives, as well as you.
We are all here to interact and make a difference.
Things are so much better.. now I can see flowers blooming,
and I,myself, am blooming too.
Dull SensesDo you hear the shadows?
Whispering about you?
Murmuring your secrets?
Yelling out your problems?
Do you see the sunlight?
Trying hard to shine down?
On a fake happiness?
Masquerading as goodness?
Do you feel the silence?
Covering this whole world?
Eating at your conscience?
Eating at your sanity?
Do you taste the redness?
Enveloping you slowly?
Licking at your heels and
Licking at your wide eyes?
Do you smell the corpses?
Littered all around you?
Flesh gray and rotten?
Just like you are now?
Do you hear the shadows?
Whispering about you?
Murmuring your secrets?
Stealing your sanity?
Her voiceI hear her voice
She screams my name
She is angry against me
I pray to relieve my pain
She punishes my mistakes
She wants my suffering
I pray for my forgiveness
She wanted a true love
The only thing that I have given is a lie
Dear PersonDear Person,
Whenever you're sad,
Don't be alone.
Don't call yourself
When you're sad.
Don't wish that
You didn't have friends.
Don't bottle up
Don't cry alone.
Don't outcast yourself.
The little things do matter.
We're all flaws.
Don't hurt yourself.
We're all mistakes.
Don't judge yourself.
It's okay to hate yourself
To get better.
I love you.
Please read this
When you're sad.
Ode to Souls
our society is built on the binary of proper lines.
spotless, picturesque, sanitary lives trailing cycle upon cycle of symmetry.
yet we function better without framed order.
we have wanderlust built into our core; we bleed out the seasons when it suits us.
our lives are made of tire treds feeding the clouded sunset, skies pouring violently over
ravenous hearts seeking catharsis.
the nyctophiliac, the heliophiliac.
the nemophilist, the pluviophile.
if we breathed in your blank normalcy, we'd crumble and die.
ResonateI want to be more than just
a tangle of arteries and cartilage
I want to be pink sunsets,
poppy tendrils, and puzzle pieces:
things not to be lost in the folds of time
or buried to feed summer grasses;
I want to mean something
through the small things,
so even if this poem is forgotten
amongst greater works,
and even if my small deeds are lost
amid the grandiose ones,
I will still resonate;
I will resonate in the way
that I held my daughter’s hand
and braided her hair into plaits,
in the way that I spoke
gently and with a honey tongue,
in the way that I carried myself
like I had never felt grief’s weight
settle on my birdlike shoulders;
And when you cannot recall
the exact color of my eyes,
the sound of my smile,
or the look of my laugh,
I hope you will not forget me entirely,
I hope I will resonate with you.
Lesbian.I chose this life.
I chose to set myself up as an Outcast.
I chose to hear my best friends
Tell me that I am going to hell.
I chose to hear the words Dyke and Faggot
Spat through scornful lips in my direction.
I chose to lose the love of my Family.
To hear them say that I was sick.
That I was wrong.
I chose to place the dreams
Of marrying the person I love
In a file marked as classified
By popular demand.
I chose to have the doors of my church
Slammed in my face
Because apparently, I am the exception to
"Love your fellow man."
I chose to be chastised
For holding hands in public.
I chose to look over my shoulder
At every corner
Afraid for my life simply because
I fell in love.
I chose this life.
I chose to be a Lesbian.
Fool BoyFool boy
Stupid son of mine
Sit there and cry
I'll leave you behind
Weak son of mine
You'll never fill my shoes
Arrogant son of mine
You can't challenge me
Pompous son of mine
See how hard the world is
Father of my grandson
Now back to work
Successor to my work
Strong son of mine
Lay me to rest
I succeeded as a man
I failed as a father
Don't make my mistake
Be better than I ever was
Something LostWhen I was younger
With dark black hair
Fresh new skin
Baby teeth still intact
And a flawless porcelain teacup
Ready to be filled
I was free.
The sun would peek into my room
like a bashful child
My eyes were wide awake
Ready for a new day.
Outside was where
My spirit was
Tiny toes and short legs
Tickled by dark green grass
That smelled of summer.
When I was hungry
My small hands
Plucked out the miniature mint leaves
That overtook the garden
So I wouldn’t have to leave my friends for lunch.
And the day went by
Disappearing before my eyes
Orange, red, yellow, a fire I couldn’t stop
Until it dulled to ashes
And darkness encased my world
Like a box slammed shut.
Those flickering sparks
Evading my greedy grasp
My eyes drooped like a willow tree
Tired from continuously pouring tea
Into my cup.
I was free,
But even birds are chained to the sky
And I flew back to my nest
After soaring high
Ready to replenish my kettle.
Now I lay in my bed
Hermit crabIn Oceans deep
I´m looking outside my cave,
the stone I live in,
to the far surface.
I wonder about thunderstorms passing by
and the sunlight playing with the waves.
I go back again, so nothing will ever hurt me here
where all sounds are deadend.
Where all painful screams fade unheard
just as joyful laughter...
But my stone,
that always was a secure, familiar cover
is starting to choke me.
Need to get out of here,
To go, to run. Where to go?
"Will you be my shelter?", I ask.
Without a sound
you embrace me
and make me feel
your silent promise,
to never let me go again.
With you I might now
will go to see whats near the surface.
I now want to see the lightning,
listen to the seagulls.
Because You are not my shelter.
But my home.
Vomit and SinewI stopped knowing you when I found him.
You faded so far into the background I’ve nearly forgotten your face,
and now I wonder what you ever really meant to me.
You were once all that mattered.
All that gave me solace in a world of darkness I never understood back then..
And I was so certain of you.
So painfully certain you were the melody my soul was dying to play.
That song with its tender nuances, and delicate notes of pain.
Though your pain is so close to elegance I find it startlingly beautiful.
Like a swan slowly bleeding to death.
Where right from the beginning, he reminded me of a wolf.
Baring its teeth as its body decomposes.
Rotting while still alive.
Snarling with rage and hopelessness that has haunted me ever since..
While my memories of you manifest as something only quietly sad.
Distant and forgettable.
He prods at corners so dark I never knew they existed.
He drags demons and skeletons out of closets just to make love to them.
He entwines himself with images
plus a noose
and a glass
that was left
but he didn't come
because only coal
to a killer
litter the floor
there's a girl
who doesn't know
how to stop
A two-headed creature
so there has to be
to make up for
a newfound blemish
on the face
even if it makes them
A song on repeat
"God, is this all
You walked me home.
I said goodbye.
I watched you go then went inside and cried.
Why didn't you kiss me?
Would you ever miss me if I disappeared?
Do I disgust you?
Am I not skinny enough for you?
You wouldn't miss me.
Maybe that was the last goodbye
To ever pass my lips.
The door was locked and I was inside Trying to die.
Razor blade kisses
Of the valuable vein.
Cover your wounds
Act like you fine
No one can know of those deep bloody lines.
Say hello to your friend
Hide the pain deep inside.
I see you in the halls.
You don't even notice
When my sleeves slid up
Or the marks on my arm
Why did I think you ever truly care?
This life is just so hard to bare.
No more goodbyes
As you close your eyes
Falling deep in to the abyss
With a slash on each wrists
He missed you and wished he kissed you.
When You Said Forever I Was Hoping You Meant ItThe alcohol on your lips
Burns like my skin.
As I'm awaiting the touch of
Your cold fingertips,
Although I know I shouldn't,
I've come to love
The shape our breath makes
When intertwined like our bodies
Your burning kisses never fail
To light me up inside
And your soft touch
Seems to envelop me
In a cyanide cloak
In your hands, I surrender
And you quickly destroy my very being
And I know that, if I were to be smart
I'd make you leave
Because I know just how
Bad you are for me, but still
I lay here in your fiery embrace
And I can't leave
Because I know
Just how short your forever can be
So, right now, I'll make due with this
Broken piece of infinity
And attempt to stall the wounds
You don't know that you'll make
Memories fadeI had a memory
of a time
different from now
I watched it
through the past
till it eventually
LiesLet me look into your eyes
Eyes beautiful, eyes deep,
Let me sink into your mind
To see the secrets that you keep
Let me kiss you past your tongue
To your heart warm and sweet
Then I'd see the honest truth
Your lies are only words deep
Some day you may hurt yourself
Your skin will break and bleed
The words will pour quickly out
Protection is only skin deep
I know you more than anyone
I know the answers that I seek
Are hiding behind your pretty words
Your lies are only skin deep